I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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