My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
