I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
