I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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