True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We have so much sex to catch up on
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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