dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
