listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
