i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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