if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
