and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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