Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
