god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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