I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
