Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
People in love make me want to vomit
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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