I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
