If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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