My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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