He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
