What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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