you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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