I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
