I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
