I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
