Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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