i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
