Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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