11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
