Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
