Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
