I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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