I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
