I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
