it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
