youre lurking in front of me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
