You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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