You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
