Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
