i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hippo gnu deer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
