if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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