my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
