Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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