just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
even my farts smell like vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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