I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's always time for handjobs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
