i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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