Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
