did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
