Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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