and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
