Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
