I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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