You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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