your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
