We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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