I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
